101 Things To Do With A Cake
By: Jonathan ‘Golden’ Brown Jr.
Additional Contributors: Bill Dirienzo, Brandon Harris, Casey Leaf, Nick Leaf, Steve Schmitt, and Erik Sczygelski


1. Eat it
2. Cover it in soda and put in the freezer to make a cakesicle
3. Try to jam it in your car’s gas tank and see how far across the state you can drive
4. Put it in a chicken coup and see if they lay any eggs in it
5. Wear it as a hat
6. If you get pulled over by a police officer while driving, when they ask you for your license give them a cake instead
7. Put chess pieces in it then sit around being depressed that you ruined your cake by putting chess pieces in it
8. Take it with you to the grocery store and see what kind of advice it can give you on produce
9. Draw a face on it, give it glasses, and call it Craig to pretend that you’ve made a cool new buddy like Wilson from Cast Away
10. Put it on a wagon then push the wagon down a street on a summer afternoon and see how many kids come out of their homes to chase after it
11. Throw it in the face of that annoying customer service desk worker that you have to visit every time you get overcharged at a department or grocery store
12. Put a sign on it that says “Contains Acorns,” then set it outside near a squirrel’s nest and when they start to tear into it, secretly laugh to yourself about how stupid and gullible squirrels are, then realize how stupid you are when you figure out that squirrels can’t read and they ate all of your cake anyway
13. Insult and praise it simultaneously to see if it explodes out of confusion from your seemingly love-hate relationship
14. Move to Texas and see you if can find someone who will legally marry the two of you
15. Have it appraised
16. Claim it as a dependent on your tax form
17. Take it to a fancy clothing store to have it fitted for a tux or dress depending on your cake
18. Try to play card games with it then stop and do something else when you realize that it’s just not in the mood for card games right now
19. Cover it in duct tape and try to sell it to a random bystander convincing them that there’s actually a cheese wheel inside
20. Give it guitar lessons
21. Open up your next door neighbor’s computer and jam it inside the case claiming that it will help increase processing power, to get back at them for wedging a cake in your lawnmower and thoroughly convincing you that it helps it cut better
22. Threaten that you’ll eat a pie instead just to spite it (Nick)
23. Get involved in a close relationship with it then break up with it soon after claiming “it’s not you, it’s me”
24. Throw it in your own face and then run door to door screaming that there’s a mean pack of 8 year olds terrorizing the neighborhood with desserts
25. Put it up to your ear and see if you can hear the ocean, you’ll probably hear a bakery instead
26. Put wheels on it and claim to your friends that it gets good gas mileage on the highway
27. Take it to a bakery and explain to it that the two wedding cakes in the corner are its parents, the eight cupcakes behind the counter are its children, the cheesecake on the table is its uncle, and the three macaroons in the case are its distant cousins
28. Jam a flute in the top of it and put a shabby tie around it then set it on a street corner with an upside down hat in front of it and see how much money it collects
29. Attempt to massively increase your luck in life by filling it with spare change and hurling it into the big water fountain at the mall
30. Place it next to another cake then leave the room for awhile to see if they create cupcakes by the time you get back (Bill)
31. Challenge it to a game of checkers and when it’s not looking king all of your own and absolutely dominate the rest of the game, then get depressed when you realize that this is the only time you’ll ever win a game of checkers against anyone or anything
32. Plant a sunflower in it
33. Wash your windows with it
34. If you get a cake for Christmas hold onto it for a year then re-gift back to the person who gave it to you at the next Christmas to see if they notice
35. Read over a health newsletter together with your cake and see if it picks up on the blatant irony of the situation
36. If you come home from a long day or work and see your cake sitting comfortably on the table and become jealous then exclaim out loud “Wow, my low paid hard work was so rewarding, I’m glad that I didn’t have to sit around all day doing nothing, because that would be terrible,” and see if it picks up on your subtle hints of sarcasm
37. Give it a bath
38. Jam it in a glass bottle then go to California and see if you can still get the recycling exchange of the bottle for 10 cents
39. Dress it up in a bonnet and put it in a stroller, then push it around the city calling it your cute little bumpkins
40. Bring it with you to the gym and eat a slice of it every time you do a rep of anything and when someone tries to explain the futility of your situation to you just claim that you don’t want to overdo it
41. Take it to a taxidermist
42. Wear it as a life jacket the next time you go boating (Erik)
43. Offer to go out on a date with it, take it to a bar and buy some drinks, then offer to walk it home because it would unsafe going alone, then once at home say you’d like to come inside but you tend to take it easy on the first date and don’t want to make things awkward (Bill)
44. Potty train it
45. Bottle feed it for a month and then see if you can step it up to drinking out of cups soon after
46. Turn it into an explosive device (Brandon)
47. Present it to Professor Bolotin just to hear him say the word ‘cake’
48. Stuff it into an envelope, take it to the post office and see if they’ll mail it, and of course say ‘no’ when they ask if there’s anything fragile or perishable inside
49. Put a bow on it and give it a leash, then show up to a dog show and confuse everyone when you set it on the registration table and claim that Mr. Poodle Pants would like to enter the contest
50. Throw it a birthday party and give it a cake of its own
51. When paying for groceries and they ask how you’ll pay, say ‘with cake’, then take out your cake and try to swipe it through the little debit/credit machine
52. Find a ground wasp’s nest near a tall building then go up to the roof of the building and drop the cake onto the nest to see how angry you can make the wasps while obliterating their nest
53. Throw it in the face of a nun to test their patience
54. If a lot of snow accumulates in winter, get two cakes to wear as snow shoes
55. If you have a friend who works out a lot and consumes special health/protein drinks, offer to make one for them insisting that you have a hot new formula, then when they aren’t looking, jam a cake into their blender, blend, and pour the contents into an opaque bottle and hand it to them with a smile and a wink, then let the irony unfold (Brandon)
56. If a group of small children set up a lemonade stand on your neighbor’s driveway try to steal their business by setting up a cake and lemonade stand, then charge unbeatably low prices to drive them out of business altogether; once they officially close up immediately triple your prices to take advantage of the small scale monopoly you’ve created, then to maximize profits when young kids come by who aren’t experienced with money and don’t know if they have enough for a slice, ask to them show you how much they have with them, then when they show you, you say “that should cover it” and grab whatever is in their hands regardless of how much it is, then only give them a half slice, and when they protest, explain that you’re doing them a favor since “eating a half slice of cake actually gives you magical powers whereas eating a whole slice will keep them normal and dull, so, you should buy another half slice to get more magical powers,” and when they say they don’t have any money, tell them to ask their parents for money making sure that it’s bills and not coins, since paying with coins will decrease the magical powers of the cake, then when they come back with a wad of bills, take it all saying that “that’s almost enough money, but I’ll make a special exception for you,” then after you give them the other half slice, explain that they can’t tell their parents about the exchange or else all the magic will disappear
57. Put it on the end of a plunger and try to unclog a clogged toilet with it
58. Fill up your shoes with a cake
59. If you are at a grocery store and you accidentally knock a jar of pickles off the shelf and they break into a mess, when a store worker comes over to clean it up, insist that you can take care of it, then whip out a cake and mop up the spill with it (Steve)
60. Put one cake on each end of a metal bar, then engage in some intense weightlifting, or upgrade to wedding cakes if you’re feeling vigorous (Bill)
61. If you’d like a hamster but don’t have while your neighbor does, slip over to their house late at night, find a way inside, then once you find the hamster cage, secretly pull out the hamster and jam the cake inside the cage, then jam the hamster’s water bowl on top of the cake to ‘sell the switch,’ then exit the house and hope they never notice the transaction
62. If a stranger stops you on the street asking for the time, immediately stuff a cake down their shirt, tell them to get a watch, and walk away
63. If a stranger stops you on the street asking for directions, smile and say “sure”, then kindly point them in the right direction, then immediately throw a cake in their face, spin them around ten times and say “have fun finding it now,” and walk away
64. Put two cakes in an accelerator (Fermilab or wait for CERN), accelerate and collide them, then see if the Higgs-Boson pops out
65. Shave your face with it
66. Find a dairy cow farm, replace all the grass with chocolate cakes and see if they produce chocolate milk
67. If your family ask you to provide the turkey for Thanksgiving and you don’t want to buy a turkey, bake a cake, mold it into a spheroid of some kind, then deep fry it to try and pass it off as a deep fried turkey; then show up to the meal, place it inconspicuously on the table, then slowly make your escape from the premise before they cut into it, however be prepared to spend Christmas alone
68. To alleviate your loneliness on Christmas for doing number 67, buy a bunch of cakes that have that special picture screening option, then screen on a picture of each family member onto each cake, place them in various chairs around the Christmas tree, then let family holiday excitement begin, except without all the pointless bickering you’ve grown accustom to at holiday time
69. After engaging in 67 and 68, have the best New Years ever by first pleading with your real family to let you celebrate with them and apologize profusely for the Thanksgiving mishap, then show up with your cake Christmas family secretly hidden; once dinner starts, the moment any kind of sound is made, throw up your hands in the air and exclaim “I’m done with you guys, I’m moving in with my new family!”; then pull out and show off your cake family, notice your real family’s confused expressions, and walk away in victory
70. Build a miniature home for your cake to live in
71. Try and play Frisbee fetch with your cake and when it doesn’t fetch the Frisbee, take it to the vet and claim that it just isn’t as excited as it used to and you’re afraid your companionship is suffering
72. If your cake starts give you attitude, then threaten that you’ll chop it up into little pieces and have a bake sale
73. Distill it to make a more concentrated cake (Bill)
74. Clean up the rest of the Valdese oil spill with it (Steve?)
75. If you don’t have cable, jam a cake on top of your TV or in your satellite dish to see if it increases reception
76. Bad hair day? Wash your head in a cake to compensate
77. If your cake plans to buy a pair of jeans, after it has picked out the correct size for the pair it likes, secretly switch it to a pair that’s your size and wait for the cake to buy them and try them out at home, then when it realizes that they don’t fit, conveniently say that you’ll take them if they fit, then try them on and put surprised expression on your face when they do
78. Replace your bed pillows with cakes
79. If it’s cold outside at night, add an extra layer of sheet cake to your bedding
80. If your mechanical pencil runs out of lead, jam a cake down it and if that doesn’t do the trick, that’s still really impressive that you were able to put an entire cake into a mechanical pencil shaft
81. If you work in an office with a computer, replace your computer with a cake and when your boss comes in to explain your apparent display of misjudgment, proceed to delicately slice up your cake, then eat a piece while staring at your boss, and chewing bites very slowly while making the loudest smacking noises you can muster to indicate that you really don’t care what your boss thinks and you’re going to enjoy your cake anyway, then after your boss leaves your office, a pay raise should soon follow
82. If you have pets that don’t like being given baths, wash your pets in cake batter, it should calm them down
83. If you’re at a hospital to visit patients, try cheering them up by replacing their IV pack with a cake in order to give them intravenous cake instead of that boring clear liquid their always having
84. Erase a chalkboard with it
85. Take your TV and pull out all the insides including the screen and place a cake inside the now empty box, then sit down and watch your new and improved TV and when someone visits and asks what you’re doing you can say you’re watching the most delicious channel ever
86. Replace your bar soap or body wash with a cake and then shower
87. If a nuclear bomb is about to go off and you want to live, build a wall of pound cakes or a fruit cake bomb shelter, then after you survive the initial blast, in order to protect yourself from the radioactive fallout, smother yourself in birthday cake before you leave your wall or shelter
88. Throw a cake into a volcano and see if it ejects frosting the next time it erupts
89. If you’re camping and feeling adventurous, try to build a cake shanty to live in, attempt to spear a fish with a cake, set a cake trap for an unsuspecting bear, and/or throw a cake in the face of a jaguar and hope it surrenders itself to you out of embarrassment
90. Replace all of Thad Walker’s personal dry erase markers with cakes, then once he discovers the exchange, see if he reacts by getting irritated, laughing in a hyperventalative manner, and/or simply passing
91. Take its Fourier transform
92. On a cold day, get two cakes and connect them with a bendy piece of plastic to make cake muffs
93. If it’s ‘Bring Your Daughter to Work Day’ and you accidentally bring a cake instead of your daughter, when someone points out that you have cake and asks where your daughter is, try to cover your mistake by claiming “well, darn, I thought it was ‘Bring Your Cake to Work Day’”; that should cover it
94. If you know someone who has access to the Academy awards and can get to the Oscar’s themselves, see if they can sneak you in before the award ceremony starts and replace all the Oscar’s with cakes
95. Stuff each hand into a cake and try to go through your daily routine; good luck with opening doors, driving, and pretty much anything else involving your hands
96. Replace those pink urinal circle fresheners with a cake (Casey)
97. If you’re bored, cover your cake in any of the following materials and have a hoot of a week: leather, Velcro, fresh road tar, feathers, or other cakes
98. Replace all the flooring in your house by replacing the carpeted areas with birthday cakes, all the tile/vinyl/linoleum with cheesecakes, and all other hardwoods with sheet cakes
99. Get your cake registered to vote
100. Walk into Kinko’s with cake and ask if they could show you any copiers that you could copy your cake with, when they tell you that that doesn’t exist, proceed to ask them where the self-serve copiers are located, then let the fun begin
101. Make a list of 101 things to do with it